“Does it matter?”
You stare back at me with eyes that scream, “Yes, of course it does”, but your lips remain a tight line. You knew it was no use trying to convince me.
Yet there I was, hoping you’d still try.
Why do I do this to you?
I grind my teeth in frustration at both our stubbornness—you, determined to love me; me, determined not to let you.
You know better.
You know better than to love someone like me. I’ll drag you down. I’ll corrupt your light. I will be nothing but a burden to you, hindering you from your growth in my inadequacies, my inability to contribute to your everything. I am convinced of it.
You know better, sweetheart. Don’t fall in love with me.
Photo by Inah Maravilla
Denim jacket from Topman; Black graphic sweater by Proudrace
But you keep a steady gaze as if you could read my thoughts. And perhaps you could because you whisper, “It’s too late for that.”
I look away in anger. You masochistic little f*cker. Don’t you know not to play with broken things?
“You sure about that?” I say with as much venom as I can muster while still avoiding your eyes. I feel my fingernails digging into my palms.
“Pretty much,” you reply with a nonchalant shrug I caught in my peripherals.
God, I hate you.
I hate you for your desire to fix me and make me whole. I hate you for your willingness to destroy yourself in the process. I hate you for not seeing me as the blackhole that I am. I hate you for thinking I’m worth it.
And I hate you for making me want to believe that I am.
But as you grunted in your irritation at my rage and disbelief, as you pulled me tightly against your body, as you kissed me in your desperation, as your hands fumbled unto every inch of skin you could reach, every sensible thought was chased away.
All I could think of was how much I wanted you to lose yourself in me.
Photographed by Inah Maravilla
Styled by Neal P. Corpus and Inah Maravilla
Make-up by Aquinna Duyan and Nicole Valencia
Modeled by Chad Alviar, Manu Fernando, Rovin Mizuse, Geo Santos, Elejah Saiki, and Julia Velasquez
Assisted by Pamela Batac, Chelly Patalud, and Thea Torres
